They don’t understand that my heart is a thousand miles away.
They don’t understand the pain, confusion, & war I fight everyday.
They don’t understand how much blood I’ve bled & how many tears I’ve cried.
They don’t understand that if it weren’t for someone far away, I would have long ago died.
They don’t understand that yet younger than them, I am closer to my end.
They don’t understand that my heart, soul, & mind are all bent as far as they can bend.
They don’t understand the amount of happiness they have taken away from me.
They don’t understand that I have none left & I am completely empty.
They don’t understand & they never will.
Yet I still pray that one day they feel what I feel.
An outcast everywhere I go, I’ve grown used to standing alone.
That doesn’t bother me though.
My biggest discomfort is that I can no longer tell the difference between my dreams & reality.
Often lost within my head, flipping through one thought after another
I struggle to pay attention to the world around me.
I’m lost, & I use to fear that I would never find my way home.
Yet now I don’t care.
Each day I will push on & I will make the new, unknown things around me into home.
I’d rather live believing & die to find out He doesn’t exist than live not believing & die to find out He does….
This world is far from beautiful.
Yet unlike me, most people don’t see it to be mournful.
Each day soldiers blindly fight for & lose their life for a country that’s no better than any other.
A country that allows kids to be killed by none other than their own mother.
In this world you must pay for the things you need to survive.
Sometimes I wish I had the luck of those who aren’t alive.
People wonder why I’m so depressed, try looking at the world through my eyes.
You’ll see that the world is not all pleasant green grass & blue skies.
If you were me you’d feel the breath taking pain of a shattered heart within.
It’s unfix-able & will never be the same again.
If you were me you’d feel the betrayal I feel towards someone I thought was there for me.
Someone who since I was a baby I thought would protect me.
So look through my eyes.
You’ll see I don’t see the same blue skies.
You’ll see I’m tired of looking through my eyes & am ready to go home.
For this world will never be home.
In a sea of doubt & despair,
I’m sinking slowly, being deprived of air.
Those who could help turn their backs & refuse to understand.
They could save me yet they stay on land.
I fight what’s pulling me down, struggling to break free.
Yet slowly becoming weak, I think of letting it consume me.
It stole my happiness, now it wants my life.
I don’t know what else to do & have no help to survive.
I use to watch you from both far & near & admire your every move.
Yet now your ego is so big it’s swallowed you whole.
You complain about things so simple like the rain.
You idolize the thing that gets you from point A to point B.
My brother you use to be, but now your too far gone & I have long ago stopped chasing you.
You use to be just like me…
Independent & wise, yet now your goals are to be the life of the party, the center of the group.
You strive to impress others.
Brother, I miss the old you even though I am starting to forget what he was like.
I miss your old head, the normal one that made good decisions.
Not the one too bloated with ego.
I just want the old you back.
I wonder if I cross his mind.
It’s been 2 years since he made the choice to flee & find his own path.
I wonder if he remembers how heart broken he left me.
I wonder if he realizes that in less than a minute he broke all the promises made over a year.
I wonder what he would say if he knew I don’t go a day without thinking about him.
I wonder if he regrets his choice or if he is happy with it.
I know I am.
I wonder if he knows I’m happy & planning my life with someone else now.
I hope he knows that even though he broke my heart I now have someone who is mending it with his soft, gentle, precise hands.
I hope he knows I forgive him.
Breaking my heart was the best thing he did for me.
For now I have everything I’ve ever wanted & needed.
I know you deserve better.
I’ve been in your shadow, watching you, all the years of my life.
I know what you like & what you can’t stand.
Why are you so blind?
Can’t you see that you deserve better?
Don’t let the burden or desperateness keep you with the unworthy.
Don’t let the disguise deceive you.
Be like me & open your eyes.
See the truth & come to your senses.
Hear me out.
Don’t settle for less than you deserve.
I’m sorry we fight because of me.
I’m sorry I haven’t been acting like I should be.
But right now I’m at war with myself.
I’m sorry I let it affect our love & come between us.
I’m praying for heaven to have mercy on us.
But please stay by my side, the war will soon be over.
Then we can get back to focusing on our love that’ll last forever.
I’m sorry I even started this war because right now I’m losing it.
But I know with your love I can continue to fight til I pull through it.
So please, whatever you do, don’t give up on me.
I won’t let you down & I’ll show you the real me.
I’ll show you all the things I’ve hid deep within.
I’ll forget the past so that we may begin again.
I’m sorry I doubted you would accept me as I am & what I’m made of.
I guess all this time I was underestimating the power of true love.
In my family, I stick out like a sore thumb.
Yet not by looks, nor by size
But by the negative abnormality of my brain.
The chemical imbalance invador by the name of depression.
This disorder is what keeps me behind locked doors.
I don’t welcome the light of new days when all I wish is to slip away peacefully in a dream.
The light hurts & makes me want to hide my face even more than my shame does.
It’s hard to show this face that holds deep-sorrowed eyes that have seen more violence then anyone knows.
It’s hard to put on the mask of happiness.
Yet i do in fear of being beaten down & judged again for the burden inside.
It’s hard to wake up & repeat the same routine day after day, week after week
Knowing that by the presence of my end none of it will have mattered.
It’s hard to see my peers happy & carefree.
I often wonder why the stealer of happiness was genetically put into me.